Make-up Shaming

It's impressive how someone could find a connection between makeup and slut shaming. A few minutes into the video at 2:22, a comment on the screen - which is a real comment from the woman's social media page - calls her a "a damn slut". There are other things that stand out but let's take one thing at a time and talk about the use of the word 'slut' on a video about makeup.

How does one even come up with a correlation between makeup and someone's sexuality? This says more about the person saying it than about the woman itself. Since they're so quick to judge, let's go ahead and do some quick judging ourselves.

All about appearances for others

You could say they're all about putting on appearances for other people since they can't seem to get their head around the fact that there are people out there putting on makeup (or even dressing up) because it pleases themselves, that there are people who actually enjoy the whole process.

Makeup to get some, *if you know what I mean*

According to some of them, using makeup signals that they're trying to get laid. You know, the way prostitutes use it to attract men to want to have sex with them. (Maybe they're even a bit afraid of women who are empowered and own their sexuality as I posted previously about cops using the term "prostitute" as if it were a disparaging term.) There's nothing wrong with that, is there? Wearing makeup to have sex, that is. The thing is they think that ALL women wear makeup with the mission of getting some. Look at the male equivalent of makeup – luxury cars and gadgets. While it's a good bonus for them to get a sleeping partner out of it, that's not the sole purpose of spending major bucks on the Lamborghini/Ferrari/etc...they're quite happy having the car itself because of its features and to show off to friends and acquaintances. So, why can't some of them understand that women don't own three different shades of the same nude lipstick for other men? They just like the different textures, colors and modes of application, among many other things, of course.

Are We Imagining Being Objectified?

"You're Delusional." That's what people I confided in about being objectified said. They may just as well have called me a liar or mentally unstable. While I'm dejected that very few believe my narrations of incidents, I was also intrigued – Why is this happening? Why are so many people - good people, people who'd punch a street harasser for me - choosing to turn their faces the other way? Then, I came across this article: Why It's So Hard For Men To See Misogyny and I could immediately relate to it all. And it began to make sense. People think I'm making up stories or exaggerating things because "they don’t always have the correct vantage point for recognizing the subtlety of its [harassment's] operation." There are forms of male aggression that only women can see. Aggression of a bully in action.

Isn't it amazing how much in common we have with people across the world? Here I am, sitting across the world in India, hopefully communicating on behalf of other women who experience harassment because of our gender and here is someone in the U.S. who's also doing the same via her article.

Harassment is basically bullying, so let's take the example of a bully who threatens a child on an empty football field. No one's around. Who'll believe the child? If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Is sound only sound if a person hears it? Likewise, is reality only reality if a third person also witnesses it?

Yes, we know. The feminist movement is about actually having those choices and not having them thrust on us.

Naysayers crawling out of the woodwork

Folks are crawling out of the woodwork all of a sudden claiming that feminists make up stories to feel important and that makers of viral content are cashing in on the rise of popularity in the cause of women's empowerment and violence against women. Sadly, some of these naysayers are women themselves, who unfortunately haven't updated themselves about the definition of feminism.

According to them, it's about being treated better than men and just because they themselves don't experience harassment, they think no one does and hence are lying for attention. Wish that were a fact.

Read: Would You Still Be Anti-Feminist If You Knew What Feminism Really Was?

Does it really? 

Check out co-blogger Marina's video in which she explains why anti-feminists should not view the movement as sexist/evil. She calls out celebrities like 'The Fault in Our Stars' actor Shailene Woodley for making statements such as "I think the idea of 'raise women to power, take the men away from the power' is never going to work out because you need balance". 

Should we just agree to disagree?

We're all on different levels of education regarding various subjects. Only after understanding that, can we begin to start conversations that will enlighten those sitting on both sides of the fence. It's easy to hate people belonging to groups that subscribe to notions that differ from our own; what's hard but necessary is love and compassion.

How We Unintentionally Validate the Mindset of a Rapist

By our short-term solutions. Solutions that don't work, but that we tend to fall back on because of how much more easy they are to carry out compared to long-term solutions. What's more, these very solutions we've come up with actually let perpetrators carry out their heinous crimes who rest assured in the knowledge that the victim has upon them the burden of preventing crimes against themselves.

The So-called Solutions:

1. Dress "Modestly": Clothes that show off skin or hug your body are seen as a passport to getting molested or raped. Sometimes even dressing modestly but trendily is a recipe for disaster. 
2. Turn into a Wallflower: Attention attracting behaviour such as talking or laughing loudly is avoided. 
3. Don't Smoke or Drink
4. Curb your Sexual Urges: You can do this by avoiding certain food like Manchurian and phallic shaped fruits and vegetables. Most importantly, don't get raped because that's just plain invitation for more such instances. Jeez.
5. Technology is Evil: Because mobile phones are apparently just temptation to watch porn.
6. Be Home by 6-7 or Latest 8: Darkness is your enemy because hell, nothing bad ever happens in the day time. 
7. Marry/Have a Child/Fulfill All or Most Societal Expectations: If you don't, you're different and ignorants don't understand different. Everyone has a need to fit in and if you don't have this need, you may have a mental illness. Or something.  
8. Believe in a Religion, Any Religion: Because if you don't, apparently it's because you want to have sex and religion is impeding you from doing that. And you know how sexually active people must be punished..."by being molested or raped, of course", says the overfriendly-only-when-it-serves-them neighbourhood rapist.
9. Police Other Same Gender People if They Break These Rules

Sigh* Why do we do this? So many possible reasons - the need for dominance and power over what other people do and an excuse for bigotry comes to mind. .

Violence Against Women is Not Only Perpetrated by Men

Women-hating women exist. They may escape your notice hiding under the guise of concern for you. Stop Street Harassment created the below infographic and there are certain similarities to instances of women harassing/belittling women or supporting violence against women. 

E.g. Take the type of harassment mentioned within the blue cell: Someone talking about your body parts inappropriately. I tend to shop alone and at the end of my shopping spree I like to rest my legs at a coffee shop. More often than not, I'll hear whispers from another table criticizing my body parts and me for not being feminine enough. The worst thing I've heard said was a teen girl asking her friend whether I was really female. That one hurt because tom-boyishness doesn't equal dead feelings. 

The next one is Someone calling you a sexist slur like 'Bitch', 'Slut' or 'Ho/Whore'. Put your hands up women who've not been called any of these names by your own gender. If not to your face, you probably have been at a receiving end while you were not around.

Someone calling you a sexually explicit name or saying a sexually explicit comment to or about you. I've received messages from supposed lesbians (unless they were men pretending to be women) on dating sites, because I'd turned down their advances, telling me what they'd do to me with their sex toys or what they'd have their boyfriends do to me by coming over to where I live. 

Mental Illness & A Need to Fit In

In case you were wondering about the origins of the recently trending #YesAllWomen hashtag on Twitter, it was begun in reaction to the Santa Barbara tragedy in which 22-year-old Elliot Rodger went on a shooting rampage killing 7 people to exact 'retribution' (as he mentioned in a YouTube video before doing it) on all the women who'd rejected him over the course of his life. The tragedy brings into limelight the fact that a sense of entitlement to women's bodies is a harsh global reality.

The hashtag was spawned from another hashtag on the social network – #NotAllMen – which was accompanied by rants dismissing the issue of violence against women and misogyny in society, completely ignoring the fact that not all men have criminal tendencies towards women but all women do face violence in some form or another over the course of their lives.

Ignoring the elephant in the room

While the media is having a field day with the story, presenting the facts as they see fit to sell the most content coming out of their stables, the elephant in the room has been easily overlooked – Rodger was mentally ill. And why isn't this being emphasized? Because one man's mental illness is not an entire society's problem, but the moment it affects them in some way (Read: hate crimes. In this case, hatred against women) everyone sits up and takes note. 

Had he gotten the help he needed, 7 lives would have been saved. And his family realized he needed mental help. Rodger’s mother, Li Chin has described Elliot as a “high-functioning autistic child” ever since he was 8 years old. Cathleen Bloeser, whose son knew Elliot from elementary school, said he was an “emotionally troubled” boy who would go over to their house and just hide. This is not saying that mentally ill people go around killing people. Sociopaths fall on a spectrum of non-violent to extremely violent. It's still upto the individual to decide his plan of action. Read about his life here.

Add to that the normal issue faced by teens to fit in with the crowd of people their own age. High school is a difficult terrain to navigate the world over, and you will be ridiculed for the silliest reason. In this case, it was his inability to get women to date or devirginize him. He grew up in an environment that measured his worth as a man based on how many women he "scored", i.e. an environment which conditioned him to believe that it was normal (and even necessary) to view women as objects to be won over. 

While he clearly hated women, his hatred for all of mankind can't be ignored either, putting him into the category of misanthropists. Men and women were his target on his self-described "day of retribution". 

You're Being Watched...I Hope

Ever wonder how long before the government puts up surveillance cameras on lonely streets or locations where groups of guys get together to gang up on passing women? I have. 

My thoughts were cut short when I remembered how there are druggies in our country who won't even leave the copper wire by the side of railway tracks intact in the hope of cashing them in to finance their next joint. And who'll monitor the cameras? Manforce is needed. 



I'm more interested in what, we, as society can do by ourselves to make a difference. This button spy camera seemed interesting and it seems like one of the few alternatives right now with Google Glass not yet released to the public yet. I can think of a few possibilities: we could record a day in the life of a woman travelling everywhere by herself and host these videos on websites aimed at naming and shaming the creeps harassing her out on her daily routine. 

I also liked this initiative a lighting company took recently to light up deserted areas with its advertisement hoarding to make places safer for women. 

It's impressive how well people behave themselves when they know/think they're being watched. 
Read: How the Illusion of Being Observed Can Make You a Better Person

Closet Vigilantes - An Attempt To Make Going Out Fun Again

Sometimes I feel it's better not to leave the house at all. Just stay in. Be safe. No fear of crime that way. But then even ships are safest in the dock but that's not what they're built for, right? Yet everywhere you go these days, the recent Lower Parel rape case has frightened people into thinking that adopting a defeatist attitude is the best way to protect yourself. How about getting to the root of the problem and attacking it there? 

Among many celebrities who tweeted and wrote about their outrage against the recent incident, it was noteworthy what people like actor Rahul Bose, VJ Jose Covaco and director Farah Khan had to say:

Rahul spoke about a long-term plan to eradicate violence against women:

Rahul Bose, Film Actor: We have to educate our boys, we have to reach out to their parents, their neighbourhoods, their communities. We need sustained gender sensitisation workshops for teachers, parents and school administrators. Gender equality as a subject must be made a compulsory part of the school curriculum.Innovative events, creative activities, projects designed for both children and parents around the issue must be executed month after month all year round. Read the entire article here

While Jose was incensed enough to take it upon himself to do something about it:

José Covaco, VJ: Eventually all we'll have is a bunch of flyovers named after women we can't protect. Help is not coming. Do whatever you can to stay safe. Ladies PLEASE don't ever make the mistake of believing that Mumbai is safe even late at night.It never was.It's only safe for Politicians. People interested in setting up Citizen Groups in Bandra to patrol and secure our streets get in touch with me here.We've wasted too much time

And then there was Farah with her signature sarcasm, pointing out the truth of reality.

Farah Khan, Director: Obviously tweeting our outrage has Made NO difference whatsover!

More reality bites in a DNA article that informs us about a term called ‘tagging’that has nothing to do with social media and yet another write-up that takes the words out of my mouth about why India doesn't like its women. 

If all this is too information is too much to take in for you, watch this Indian stand-up comedian take on the topic of rape.

Before we point fingers at each other and admonish others to teach their sons not to rape, let's look at ourselves. How good an example are we being? Afterall we're what society consists of, aren't we? 

Recommended Reading: Why Loiter?

Character Assassination 101

Sunday evening and it's time to head out. What to wear, what to wear? Silly and aggressive street harassers (stharassers?) - they'll rationalize their actions regardless of what you wear because in their minds they think they know you and in their minds you're comparable to a red-light area worker. They've been watching you, your local future rapists and strippers of the country. (Of course in the Indian sense, strippers here imply stharassers (Is that term growing on you? No? Okay.) who're looking for an opportunity to tear your clothes off if you're a female. They get a kick out of it because it makes them feel in control and you powerless, it gives them their confidence.)

A Glimpse into the Average Indian Mind

You don't have to go too far to get a sense of the mentality of the majority of Indians, blaming the woman, regardless of all that has transpired this month. Check out the comments under this video. Don't miss the video either: Modern culture to be blamed for rape: BSP MP

1. "there can never be eqal no. of police with ppl outside thier home. Modest way of dressing and behaviour is necessary for both boys and gals equally." -Anonymous (Why is it others' fault if you can't keep yourself in check?)
2. "Today i was in the bus.... Last seat one girl and her boyfriend was seating...... Bus was half empty...... It was the girl who was all the time hugging and embrassing and falling on the boy...... Girls do u have the answer ? girls cannot sit decently in public bus?" - Marant (Slut shaming)
3. "girls can save only girls." -Sandeep Mutkure (Girls don't cause the problem. Boys and men do, so guess what? All genders must work together.)
4. "His remarks are wrong but NOT completely, i do agree..dressing reflects us.." (So it's okay to harass strangers if they're dressed "inappropriately"? A passerby commented on my salwar kameez because it was sleeveless. Heck, I've even seen burqa-clad women get harassed.) 
5. "this incidence should teach young girls to dress decently and it should not be provoking and inviting. modern fashions is fifty percent responsible." -Malathi (Once again  shifting the blame from the real issue)
6. "You are right. Western culture should be banned. Girls should refrain from adopting such modern culture. In order to ensure security, they should move in groups besides getting trained in martial arts and also carry Kukhri / knife to protect themselves. After all, initially we are responsible for our own security." -Prabhakar (It's good to know self-defence but banning Westerm culture would imply giving up things like the commode. Are you ready to do that?) 

One would think, time brings progress. Here's a blog written circa 2009 - Delhi with Avinash that drew similarly backward comments:

1. "To tell you truth everyone, everyone including me is just looking for a chance to molest women. soo Women should'nt give that chance."
2. "I know eve teasing is bad. I have done it too in my college days. I was not a bad person. But, I thought it was fun."

Excuses for Street Harassment

I've collected quite a few experience points having walked the earth for so many years so I've learned how the average harasser's thought process works, especially having witnessed friends of friends or acquaintances demonstrate these ways of thinking first hand.

Picture this: You're walking down the street in your local area, each side of the road filled with people (men mostly) who've seen you walk to and from home. Some lewd guy passes by you and comments on your chest. It's heard by on-lookers but they say nothing. In their mind they're thinking, "she deserves it...

• "It will teach her not to be so modern thinking." 
• "What was she thinking wearing a t-shirt with that kind of a chest." 
• "What was she thinking wearing a t-shirt with wordings over it to provoke men into commenting." 
• "Good, it will put her in her place. I hate how (over)confident she is." 
• "If she was married, she would not attract this kind of attention."
• "If she had married a more decent man, she would not have attracted this kind of attention"
• "I disapprove of the effort she takes to look put together." 
• "Why did she take this road" 
• "Why does she have a boyfriend since so many years and is not married yet." 
• "I heard her talking about sex on the phone the other day. Slut." 
• "She's a flirt." 
• "She's always smiling." 
• "Why is she out at this time" 
• "She leaves her house more than the average Indian woman."
• "...and I better not say anything otherwise I'll be ignored by/thrown out of my friends circle." 

A Similar Kind of Sadness - R.I.P. Delhi Girl

The world is less one potential doctor. I have a drum circle in my heart for you - for the pain you allowed yourself to tolerate, for having the will to live.

I last felt this kind of sadness when the Keenan-Reuben incident took place last year in October (trial still on but now in fast-track court) in Mumbai. The reason I felt so close to them and all the events surrounding them is social media which provided every little tidbit I needed to feel that kind of relationship with them. There was helplessness among other emotions. As there is now.

There was nothing either of them could have done to avoid the situation and what's worse is neither could you or I. How much can the police and law do? Faith in them has also gone down especially after hearing about the name calling of women at the Delhi protests, who were in no way associated with hookers. There are incidents other than at this time when I've heard that the police has referred to women using disparaging terms. "Prostitute" seems to be their favorite choice of abusive word. Says something about their mindsets, doesn't it? What though - are they closet women haters who are so used to seeing women as sex objects that they jump at the first opportunity to shame them? Are they scared of prostitutes for some reason - their ownership of their sexuality, for instance - and by name-calling the unsuspecting recipient trying to lessen the effect of their fear of them? What else could be the reason to make them regress and resort to tactics such as name calling only employed by kids (and only because they're children and they don't know any better until told otherwise)? Why the character assassination of strangers?

Solutions

What's sad is that the maximum punishment for the murderers is death or castration. I would have voted for public service for the rest of their lives - be reformed and reform others as well. Be the change, possibly by serving the country in the army or by educating the 'uneducated'. Of course, that assumes that they are successful in being educated in the first place. It will take time but nothing that's worth it doesn't.

I'm surprised that there yet isn't a course on gender sensitivity in schools. It should be a compulsory subject given how uneducated even the parents of these children are. How rich there are is of no consequence - they're equally ignorant when it comes to the subject. At least we'd be able to count on it that the majority of the next generation won't be a disappointment to their county.

Threatened

Every time I get out of the house, I feel a threat to my mental state. I almost feel like crying when I feel this threat from them, probably as a way of pleading to the potential perpetrators to have pity and leave me alone.

I wish I didn't have to.

I wish these men were less ignorant of their own flaws when they put down other people to get their power and self esteem.

I wish they could grasp my point of view that they're actually cowards for picking on a woman, especially when she's outnumbered by a gang of men.

I wish they could see how it was them who was at fault for being misogynist and not me because of how I dress or act or look or even that I'm a certain age and unmarried. That's not an invitation to be harassed or 'flirted' with. (I'll do a topic soon on the difference between flirting and harassment/eve teasing).

I wish I could somehow make them feel what I feel when they make me feel threatened.

I wish I could control their thoughts and make them do dumb things or just make them vanish or freeze, if only for a day or a week.

I wish they didn't exist and were just a figment of my imagination.

Terrorists of the Other Kind

As a follow-on to the previous post written quite a while back, the city whose spirit never breaks saw people come out of their fears in ways which showed their upbringing - even ones of which society disapproves.

The day after it was announced that all those held hostage had been released, it was time for everyone to breath easy. I did my usual train routine to Bandra where I worked and the first thing I was privy to as soon as my feet touched the platform of this hip part of the city - catcalling or 'eve-teasing' as we call it in India and 'street harassment' as known everywhere.

It was then that it struck me, what I should have realised years ago. Street harassment stems from a low self-esteem and these men were doing it to raise their confidence. The confidence which had hit rock bottom on knowing that major haunts in the city, viz Taj, CST and Colaba were in the clutches of terrorists, and it would only be a matter of time that these men, dressed in black would break in and terrorize them. They must be trembling in their homes throughout the incident. I actually pitied them.

And here I was thinking that it was my fault. Thinking: maybe it was the way I dressed or the makeup I used or the way I carried myself...maybe, I was thinking, that it all shouted out for attention which I ended up getting. In the bargain, I forgot that it's a human right to be able to express myself in whichever way pleases me as long as it didn't affect others. It's my prerogative to look beautiful as it is for any woman (or man).

Terrorists are still among us and they demand that you submit to their every need. They could be the street thug or even the insecure boss who's being unfair to a colleague. Whatever it is, it's for you to recognize when this happens and take necessary action. Building one's self esteem by breaking another's is not the right way to regain confidence. Remember, keeping silent on seeing injustice makes us a criminal as much as the criminal himself.


You're probably wondering how I deal with such men. I use my perceived weakness as a strength. When such behavior is displayed, discipline is called for. In my case, it's getting discreetly physical, which is sometimes not so discreet. I just grab hold of the person's face, push them as much as my body allows, stand on their feet, nudge, poke or jab them and then apologise without meaning it in my expressions.

The non-physical way of doing this is staring them down, throwing disgusted looks, mouthing curse words, asking rhetorical questions like whether they have mothers & sisters at home or wondering aloud whether their parents taught them manners (if you're not from India, in Hindi this would be "Maa-baap nay tumeez nahi sikaya kya?")




Anything to bring down their confidence since that's the very precept by which they operate.

Those Three Days...

For days after those attacks I couldn't get myself to read or watch the news and not have tears rolling down my eyes (of which I wasn't even aware till my mom saw me). Reading abt Baby Moshe, especially, was heart-breaking.

Mumbai gets to work regardless of whether it's 26 July or 26 November and being a tiny drop in the vast ocean of Mumbaikars, so was I on the third day of the battle between our security forces and those 'men'. At the station, the scene looked pretty dull compared to any other weekday at this time. Only adults around, no kids in tow. not even so many adults. Everything was fine until the Andheri train stopped at Mahim station, one station before my destination. Crap! I would now have to cab it out and spend unnecessary money (as if I don't spend unnecessarily already). But before that, I had to find out what happened. There were rumors floating among passengers on their cellphones that there was fresh shooting by those morons at CST station. So, for security's sake, all trains everywhere had halted. Of course, when I got to work, these rumors turned out to be just that. Rumors.

Nevertheless I got to work shaking like Mr. Bean in a state of panic. I tried to put on a brave front because people anyways have me labeled as someone who scares easy. It didn't work too well, till I was safely home at least.

The night before, I went to sleep praying with all my heart for no more of the rescuers busy at work at Taj and the other places to be injured or killed. Thankfully, my prayers (along with millions of others around the world, I'm sure) were answered.